i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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