oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come share oat with me in your robe
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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