Only a mothe r could love this liver
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
