the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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