I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I look better un-naked...
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
