he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
