I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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