I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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