I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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