Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i used baking grease as lip gloss
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
