he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize
