Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
then he tried to convert me to islam
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
