I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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