Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
