If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
