The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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