I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
