I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Randomize
