Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
