Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
