I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
