She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Drake has all the answers
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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