she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
