Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
