My hand turned me down
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
