When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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