he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
