Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He felt like a one man threesome
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
