easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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