We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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