hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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