Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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