I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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