Ambien. No doubt about it.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I need a beard to bite.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
