I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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