I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
