Just fell off a train. Bad.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
