im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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