I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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