The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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