i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
So here I am, sexting at work.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
