i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
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He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
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this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Oh god it's open bar.
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