I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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