I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
