Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
