this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
