I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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