There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Randomize
