Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
