so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
