i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
he laminated a picture of his dick.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize