his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
