I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
