I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
